i love that they can now tweet about their cute date nights
is it socially acceptable to ask someone why they’re still friends with someone.
I’ve met Ed Miliband once before, when a well-meaning friend attempted to matchmake us, about a hundred years ago. That didn’t really work out. In fact, we had a row about the Middle East, which is not (in my experience) the best way to set a romantic mood.
- Myth 1: Be respectful You can throw this one right out the window. It’s all very well being courteous and thoughtful in daylight hours. But there’s nothing more boring than respect in the bedroom. Why are you being so polite? This is sex, not tea in the duchess’s walled garden.To make sex hot, you should exploit its potential for power games. Order her to stand in front of you and take her clothes off while you’re fully dressed. Unzip and tell her to get on with it. (Ignore her laughter.) (Repeat the instruction.) Women love being told what to do in bed: it gets us right off the “ladylike” hook if we can pretend we’re simply following orders.In a sexual situation, never use cute language when you can be obscene and insulting. (I mean insulting to her dignity: “Get over that bed, you know you want it,” rather than “Ooh, I think you’ve got a spot coming.”)For the sexiest contrast, suffuse your day-to-day relationship with gallantry, kindness and respect - then, in the bedroom, treat her like an absolute piece of meat.For some reason, women only enjoy power-game sex at night. It’s not that the mood is more illicit, just that the light’s more flattering. But “bedroom” is a figure of speech. Obviously, you will also be instructing her to bend over the sofa, the bath, the kitchen counter and that hideous nest of tables she insisted on buying in the January sales. That’ll teach her to shop at Ikea.Now, an element of basic human perception is required here. You have to pitch your sexual disrespect carefully: unless she’s a real S&M fetishist, don’t be terrifying. You need to say this stuff like you really mean it, with determination, urgent male desire and total lack of social nicety, while leaving it clear that she’s perfectly safe.If you’re going to smack her on the arse, you’d better know the difference between the sound of her being surprised, slightly offended and strangely turned on, and the sound of her dialling for you to be arrested.Naturally, I mean this to happen in the context of a proper relationship. Not when you’re alone for the first time with a 32-year-old virgin.I must also repeat: I can’t speak for 100 per cent of women. But if you find yourself in bed with me, make sure that you nervously quaver, “Might it possibly be all right for me to touch your…” only at the point when you want me to get up, take an antiemetic and then call you a taxi.
- Myth 2: It’s sexy to be funny No, no, no. Men get terribly confused about this. Women are attracted to funny men in two situations. One: on first meeting, because laughter is an ice-breaker. Two: for the purposes of a relationship, because they make life more fun. But all humour must be cancelled immediately before and during sexual activity.I don’t just mean: avoid squeezing her breast while making a honking noise (though if you genuinely want to do that, you’ll be losing your virginity to a gloomy hooker on the eve of your 40th birthday).I mean: if anything genuinely funny occurs to you, button it. Switch off that part of your brain. It’s too sophisticated. It makes us feel like your whole mind is not focused on the primitive, filthy, brilliant business in hand. During foreplay, you must talk about absolutely nothing but sex itself; a joke is no better than saying, “What do you make of the economic situation in Greece?”Afterwards, of course, a bit of warm giggling is lovely. (With your partner, that is. Not derisively into your phone.)
- Myth 3: Toffs and chavs are the dirtiest in bed Men assume that a drunk and spray-tanned Essex girl, or a posh Sloane in jodhpurs, is more likely to show them a good time than an accounts clerk in a Next skirt suit.All depends what you want, I guess. That nightclub tart or braying aristo might be more likely to put out quickly (assuming you have a Premier League contract/private beagle pack), but if you want interesting sex, you must always go to the middle classes. Their particular combination of social unease, late development, repressed upbringing and twisted self-loathing makes for by far the kinkiest fun.
- Myth 4: Single-sex education gives you a disadvantage Not at all. Anyone straight who was restricted to friends of their own gender through the formative years will always be good in bed, since they will be excited and slightly aroused by the mere presence of the opposite sex for the rest of their lives.
- Myth 5: Women want sex just as much as men do This modern truism has gained much currency, thanks to post-feminism and bolshy lady columnists.But it isn’t true. For one thing, women certainly don’t want sex as regularly as men do. Anyone is capable of “not being in the mood”, but a man can be transported immediately to sexual thoughts by the sight of a fruit blancmange with a slight wobble to it. Women can really not be in the mood.Having said that, when she really is in the mood, it’s likely to be a far stronger urge than yours. At certain times of the month (when? I don’t know. What am I, old Tom the clockmaker?) you’ll need Berocca, Red Bull and an array of basic accessories to keep her satisfied. Two days later, however, a simple touch of her arm might make her run screaming for the kettle and The West Wing DVD box set.That’s why it is always fine for a woman to reject her partner’s sexual advances and he must never take this personally, but it is never fine for a man to reject his girlfriend. I don’t care if you’re going through a bout of simultaneous impotency, multiple limb breakage and Spanish flu: if she wants it, then find a way to give it to her.A single example of “Don’t really feel like it tonight” from you, could swivel her sexual focus away from you forever. That Ocado man making a delivery, meanwhile… Now, he looks up for it.
- Myth 6: It’s erotic to run your fingers through her hair Get off my hair. Seriously. GET OFF MY HAIR.
- Myth 7: Women always want to be cuddled afterwards Actually, according to a recent survey conducted by a bed manufacturer, it’s more likely to be men who prefer a post-coital cuddle. They didn’t say what women want instead. I’m guessing possibly a curry.
- Myth 8: Beautiful women are hard to seduce You should never try to seduce a woman you don’t find beautiful. If you go to bed with women you don’t fancy, because you think they’ll be grateful, you’ll find it’s a lose-lose situation: if you wake up feeling better about yourself, then you’ve also discovered you’re a sociopath.But you know what I mean. Those astonishing ones, all hair and teeth; the ones you avoid because they’re too much of a challenge, best left to the jet-set millionaire who’s already targeting her across the room with a tipped cocktail glass and the cheesy wink. That guy’s a tit. She doesn’t want to meet him. The ease with which millionaires pull gorgeous women is nothing to do with money. It’s just that success has inflated their egos so they’re not scared to chat her up. You can fake that. Tease her, make her laugh. Talk to her as though you’re a pair of 15-year-olds smoking at the school gates. She’s used to normal men who daren’t flirt, or arrogant lizards who take themselves too seriously. Pitch it in the middle and the mood will feel sexy in a trice.
- Myth 9: The most exciting sex is with someone you’ve just met Not true. I suppose sex with a stranger might be a bit more exciting - but only for the novelty, the breaking of convention, the jolt of naughtiness in a polite new landscape. You could say the same about jerking off outside the Women’s Institute.Have it on your bucket list if you want, but don’t keep doing it over and over again because you think it’s the most exciting kind of sex. It isn’t. Besides, the Women’s Institute might call security.A first-time encounter is more erotic if you’ve known your lover for a while. Otherwise, you’re just rubbing up against a willing body, like a flasher who’s had a surprise on the bus.Once you’ve had conversations, flirted and waited, you’ve both had the chance to develop real sexual curiosity about each other: that gives you a psychological dimension as well as a new naked body. If you can’t see why that’s more of a turn-on, then you’re lacking imagination and you’ll be terrible in bed anyway.The first time is still never the best. The best happens with your long-term partner. I promise I’m not saying that because I’m boring and square. That’s just a coincidence. Honestly, the kinkiest thing is to have utterly indecent sex with someone you know incredibly well. You see each other sleepy and irritable at breakfast, watch each other chatting to others on social occasions, engage in grown-up debates about gas bills and bathroom tiles - while knowing what you did to each other last night, and might well do again in a minute. That’s the only way fully to enjoy the animal depths of human nature. It’s the secret side of each other that nobody else sees. And it’s absolutely filthy.
- Myth 10: It’s not sexy to take her underwear out of the laundry and sniff it No, that one’s true. Jesus, you thought I might say it isn’t? Never, ever go near a woman again.
I’d go there